When Lauren B. Quetsch and Tim Cavell were struggling with titles for their recently released book, Quetsch suggested “I Love My Kids, But ….”
Quetsch and Cavell are psychology professors at the University of Arkansas who specialize in child psychology.
The title was written as “bad,” Quetsch said, and they settled on “Good Enough Parenting: A Six-Step Plan for a Stronger Relationship with Your Child.”
The title and content of the book, Cavell says, harks back to the commonly used phrase “the perfect parent.”
“We argue that the story of good parenting is sometimes a sad one for parents,” he said. “It’s unfair because it doesn’t respect many factors, including culture, family.”
We argue that the history of parental care can sometimes be stressful for parents.
“Good Enough Parenting” acknowledges that parenting is not only difficult but surprising – and there are many times when you want to say, “I love my children, but ….”
Oftentimes, science-based books that collect and synthesize data into short paragraphs about how to be a good parent don’t really know how much you, as a father, going astray.
“A good parent, in terms of their efforts, will fail,” he said. “They don’t fulfill their child’s needs, but it is an opportunity for the child to learn things on their own. A good parent gives their child a gift that helps them learn. ”
Activities like scheduling screen time or teaching your child a second language are great but can draw attention away from what Quetsch and Cavell believe is the The most important part of parenting: learning to relate to your child.
“It’s a long, one-sided gig,” says Cavell. “It’s about maintaining the relationship, not maintaining the attitude.”
In order to help parents establish a healthy relationship with their child, Quetsch and Cavell identified six pillars that focus on bonding.
Use these 6 pillars to bond with your children
As with any other activity in your life you have personal goals. With children, however, many parents only think about what they want their children to achieve.
In their book, Quetsch and Cavell suggest thinking about what you want to achieve.
Then if you ask if you’re “doing well,” you won’t be comparing yourself to the books you’ve read or other parents you know. You can check with your own goals.
Don’t set yourself an unrealistic goal when your child is growing, says Quetsch.
“We can have an idea about what we want to be a parent and talk about it,” he said, “but when you really get into it, your kids are going to give theirs.” It’s selfish, and you think you know it all. , or you don’t.”
More than likely, your goals will change over time. “The discussion is ongoing,” he said.
As with goals, “health” is about your health, not your child’s. Quetsch and Cavell believe that maintaining good physical health is important but place an emphasis on maintaining your mental health as well.
Practicing mindfulness before and after your child is born is key to parenting.
We can think about how we like to parent and talk about it, but when you really get into it, your kids will give it their own personality.
How is your life organized today with children? What rules and regulations are in place?
These are the things you should consider before your child is born.
“Do you have a chaotic life or give a sense of security?” Cavell asked.
When you have a child, you may have to change the way you live, but it’s good to know what kind of house you bring a child into.
By making an effort to understand and love your child and not steer them away from what they want to be, you are communicating a message of acceptance. When a child feels accepted, they won’t question their status with you or how much you respect them.
Cavell encourages parents to have a “posture of discovery” when dealing with their children.
“You already thought about this kid,” he said. “We thought they were going one way, and then they came. Let’s see who this kid is and if we can get into a song with this kid.”
What is the meaning of daily consent?
Quetsch gives an example of a couple he was studying whose child only wanted to play with watches. The couple was concerned that their child was not taking up other activities that children of their age were interested in.
Quetsch’s advice: Just play with the clock.
Do you have a chaotic life or one that gives you a sense of security?
Some children are worse than others. Parents can be very disciplined in the relationship between them and the child, however, parents with lightness of touch will lose their child’s respect.
Between controlling the delinquent child and entertaining him, there is a third option: possession.
Finding means meeting a child where they are. Choose the fights you want to bet on.
In one word you can be comfortable with your child who doesn’t want to go to school while obeying the law that they need to get out of the door.
Leadership is the balance between acceptance and control.
It refers to the model parents want their child to have but will not be held accountable if the child’s behavior conflicts with those values.
This is especially important for parents of young children who are struggling with their independence.
‘It’s about building a relationship’
Adding these posts to your parenting won’t have a short-term solution, says Cavell.
Acknowledging your child’s tantrums at the grocery store won’t make them go away quickly.
Thinking about it might not give you the amount of patience you need for a small child.
After all, Cavell said, “you don’t want to be the victim of another abuse in your relationship, and being a parent is no different.”
But looking at what’s going on between you and your child versus what parenting books tell you is how to parent to help your child feel valued. and independent.
“It’s not about knowing too much about parenting,” Cavell said. “It’s about building a relationship.”
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